Over the years, I’ve had some in-depth discussions with people who have watched my heart be broken, dried my tears, and offered condolences (along with explicits) around the recent events that had occurred. I have often been asked why and how I can continue to go on first dates, meet new people and trust so fervently that at some point in time my heart wont be smushed and handed back to me. A couple of years ago, I came up with the motto ‘love with reckless abandon’ as a bit of an explanation point. As an exercise physiologist, I know that when a muscle is broken down it has the opportunity to rebuild into a bigger version of itself. I figure that loving with reckless abandon allows my heart to grow ever bigger. I also understand, and respect, that most people don’t see it quite like that.
A girlfriend and I went out dancing a few months ago at a fun bar in the city. We are both tall already, both wearing heels, both happy with our own company on the dance floor – a bit formidable to approach potentially. We were swooped in on by a gentleman who was playing wingman to his buddy. It was outlined that ‘Rob’ was a lovely man who had his shit together, yet was fragile due to his heart being broken by a woman, thus was reluctant to approach anyone moving forward. My response to this was along the lines of “He has had his heart broken and now won’t talk to women? We have to chase him due to his heart break? What about all the men who have broken our hearts?” Let’s be real here, by the time you hit your late 20’s – early 30’s we have all seen heartbreak, we have put ourselves out there and felt rejection. That crushing feeling when you’re vulnerable and it’s met with a swift kick in the guts. Does that mean that we are to all retreat into our respective homes and wait for someone safe to come and rescue us from our fear of vulnerability? To be completely honest, if that’s what ‘Rob’ was looking for he is automatically the wrong man for my group of girlfriends. In a world where we have spent the better part of 15 years traveling, working, socialising independently – a man who is fearful of speaking to strangers due to heartbreak simply would not be able to keep up.
This goes both ways, ‘Rob’ is a convenient example for the male version of this story. I have the same conversations with girlfriends. The roles within our society are so confused currently, even when two people have expressly stated they are interested in each other, it can be like watching a Jane Austin movie where you end up screaming “USE YOUR WORDS!!!!!!!!” at the screen as the two characters circle around each other for 2 hours before the final (and oh so satisfying) passionate kiss. If only all this got sorted in two hours and not over weeks, months, and years – the whole time wearing down all parties resilience for the ‘dating scene’, whilst being terrified of ending up alone. All very complex, especially when you add in the fact that the older we get, the more aware we become of all these other issues – from the ability to bear children (or even want kids) to new (new?) concepts of polyamory, whether monogamy is actually a socially constructed thing and are we going against our biology in signing up for marriage… etc. I’d like to wake up to the same face until I’m 100 – dealing with the issues brought up by life together, that’s my goal. I am way more aware that there are more opinions on things around relationships than what I knew about when I was 21 and dating my university boyfriend. Interestingly, my goals haven’t really changed.
The point is, in a world that is vastly in need of love – there has been this fear created around giving someone your love and being rejected. There are exponential forms of love: parental, sibling, romantic, child-like, friendship, soul-mate, teacher (teacher in life, not in institutions for this particular example), the love that comes with deep respect, love that comes with being proud of someone, the love that comes with your favourite red wine and good conversation, and many, many more. Recognising these and telling people about them, thanking them for being a part of it, allows my heart to grow – even in the face of potential rejection (which by the way, I’m yet to expire from. Though it can feel pretty shit, you don’t die from being rejected). I choose to practice vulnerability in a world that hides from it, if for no other reason than it giving people in my company a moment to experience my love for them. That’s the kind of world I am creating.
Happy Wandering!
Hx