There are lots of things that are scary.
One of those scary things is being single, one of the other things is the possibility of everything known changing into the unknown. There is a man whom I have loved, in a number of different capacities, for seven years flying to spend time with me in a week. It’s a form of love that has shifted and shaped itself into many spaces and places over time, constantly in the flow of circumstance. I am both incredibly excited and shitting myself. Deep breaths – I’m an adult and I can totally handle this (I will conveniently forget that most of the time ‘adults’ are all making up stuff on the fly and have their fingers crossed that it works out for the best!).
In the days coming up to the visit, I’m having lots of conversations and questions being asked about what the intent of the visit is, where it’s going, what the future may hold. I am actually petrified in so many ways of all the things that can happen and all the things that may not happen. The power of the phrase ‘what if’ has been running rampant in my brain, in my conversations, in my day dreaming. While cyclic thinking is something I make a concerted effort to control, these past couple of days have been hectic and I have been lost in a sea of my own mind.
Facing the possibility of a new relationship with an old flame, the key seems to be really starting from scratch. That part I understand in theory. The practical application of facing the reality of all my fears arriving in one tall package is challenging. It’s a seesaw between the resurfacing and recognition of old emotions and creating a clearing for a new relationship to grow. Recognising and addressing former habits with a new attitude and good communication seems to be the starting point. It seems that through our mutual nervousness and excitement the importance of discussing things in a objective and respectful manner has come to the forefront. Holding ground on what is important to each of us and creates the foundation of how we communicate and what our individual expectations are within the context of a new relationship, have been the key elements in making this unusual situation less of a brain crack.
Clearing space for a new relationship is an interesting process when half of your friends are excited for you and half are arming you with words of caution. Return of the seesaw brain. Luckily, I am practicing the art of presence. I know that when we get together all the noise will quiet and will be us. We always have fun together, that will remain the same. At the end of 10 days we will know if we are both on the same page for investing in a future together, or we will cry at the airport returning to life as it formerly was. The beautiful part of this is that there is everything to gain with nothing to lose. There will always be a friendship that is founded in love and respect. With that thought in mind, I leap ever further in to the unknown with a full heart and an attitude of loving with reckless abandon.
Happy Wandering
Hx
P.S. The funniest part is that ‘How to lose a guy in 10 days’ is playing in the background whilst I’m writing this….