This last month has been hectic. I have started (some might say finally) standing up for myself in the world of relationships. Though there is nothing permanent happening in this space, there is enough activity to do some poignant self-reflection. I noticed I was being a bit of a cheerleader to those around me, setting these men up to go off and achieve their dreams, pull themselves out of a hole or finally realise they need to put some actions into their own world. If you’re one of my people, I find it really hard to turn off and not be your cheerleader. It is also emotionally draining when there isn’t much being fed back in. I pulled back, gave myself a talking to, and then set about restoring equilibrium in my world.
With one person in particular, I found I was getting frustrated, as he had shifted the nature of our relationship to something deeper, something in line with who we had been previously. The frequency of conversation ramped up, the expectation of emotional outpouring was higher, and I was getting angry about it when nothing had actually happened. The rules of the game had been changed without telling me, it was like the whole court was shifted sideways and I didn’t know which direction I was supposed to aim for. It was the first time I felt like I was out of answers when it came to giving him what he was wanting. I was emotionally empty when he was requesting anything beyond friendship. I didn’t know how to fix it and couldn’t be the person he wanted me to be. I think Hayley of the past would have potentially given into the promises of what could be and built the rest of what was needed independently. The promises were never meant to be misleading, though often fraught with emotion and usually resulted in tears before a plane.
Typical that the man you have been wanting to realise how awesome you are for most of your adult life comes to the party when you’re pulling down the streamers and ready to call it a night. As for what will happen – that is left up to the Gods. If a relationship was to be rekindled, I would need to be the recipient of some serious woo-ing. I honestly have no point of direction as to how it could look, it is sitting outside of what I have available in my imagination currently. Here is a man who has loved me, though mostly demonstrated in words rather than actions I’ll admit, for a substantial number of years.
I want to punch myself in the face as I write that. Loves you in words!?! That’s pretty easy to deliver. Get on any dating app and you can have as many words as you like! I have put together a new algorithm for this love life of mine “actions > words”. Classic chivalry is the minimum, where I am able to be the person I want to be in a relationship; the adoration they will naturally receive (and let us not forget the built in cheerleader) by being the main man in my life, is to be met and matched in kind. I have spent too many years of my life figuring out what doesn’t work, it’s time to let what does work occur. In my mind that is where each of us bring 100% of our lives to the table, I have a lot of life – they’d best have a big table!
With that insight added to the others I’ve collected over the years, I can continue on with wandering happily and meeting those who cross my path. I have a lot of time and space for friends, it’s almost a relief to know that I’ve redefined what is acceptable behaviour for those who wish to step closer into the circle.
Plus, I love doing laundry. Long term, there will always be clean clothes to match said chivalry! Who said romance was dead?
Happy Wandering!
Hx