The beauty of always looking upon the bright side is that while I can grieve the loss of a friend and conclusion of much loved relationship, I also can see what is possible moving forward. This is not an ‘always be positive’ thing, far from it. I like to play the game of life in a manner where loving hard and being ‘all in’ is how I roll. I am not adverse to emotion, I do try to get my ugly cries out in the shower, I do attempt to be an adult in any highly charged emotional conversation. Even to the point of leaving it to come back to when I’ve had opportunity to process what I actually want to say. Then things can be said in a manner that I can be responsible for, whilst also getting the point across. I call it ‘adulting’.
I loved this man. Loved him to the point of allowing him into my life on whatever basis he would choose. When asked to be open to wooing once more, it was a case of actions speak louder than words. There was the 10 day date, the discussion of what was next and what was possible, what was important to each of us. Like the end of any good romantic comedy, there was a happy conclusion to the Australia trip, with the rosy promises of a future to come. Then the ‘cameras’ stop, the real life challenge of distance starts and is combined with the reality of day to day life. Words are useful tools when you’re living on the opposite sides of the planet – however action (and inaction) speaks volumes.
When time is a factor and there has been a seven year friendship, staring down the barrel of another 12-18 months before anything concrete can happen is a tough pill to swallow. When you ask someone to open their life to you, thoughts about what ‘might be’ in the future, where you’d like to be, and how your life might look start to creep in. I’m a self-professed hopeless romantic and eternal optimist, it makes for some pretty happy looking day dreaming. If this is met with barriers that are seemingly small to one person, and large to the other it may prevent the relationship to come to fruition in real time – there are some major red flags. Especially when their own advice would be to move on if roles were reversed. A good man in the world, not the man for me.
I do like to see the best in people and this man loves me more than I can really comprehend, the challenge is that unless that love translates into an actual life together – then it’s like a poet living on air. All words and nothing of substance. I’m more of a ‘putting things into action’ person – I don’t deal well with challenges that have solutions that are clear and available yet not put into place due to fear. Fear doesn’t equal death, fear is key to growth, stepping outside your comfort zone and seeing what happens. I also recognise it takes two to tango, whether I was being too pushy, or direct, or ‘something’, I don’t know. In saying that, I’m totally open to taking responsibility for my part, ongoing development means being open to seeing through another person’s eyes and being willing to look at your own behaviour and attitudes, no matter how shitty. Then take responsibility for them. Ultimately, if you have two people who love each other yet there isn’t a balance in compromise or willingness to be 100% in – there isn’t really anywhere to grow and you simply end up angry and frustrated at both ends. The reality may be that we simply were not suited, no matter how much either of us wished it to be.
The bright side is that I can see what’s possible, I have a strong sense of self and who I am in a relationship, I know I have a lot of love to offer.
I also know how to save my ugly crying for the shower…
Happy wandering!
Hx