People are just so fallible. I came face to face with gut wrenching disappointment after someone fell from the pedestal I had placed them upon. It was the combination of realising that they were human and flawed, as we all are, alongside the understanding that I had held them there completely of my own volition without their consent or knowledge. How dare they disappointment me in a manner that goes against the grain of how I’ve painted them! Them, simply living their life in the manner they see fit, unaware of the platform I’ve placed them on. The hardest pill to swallow is the one that is pointed out to you, when the spotlight shifts from them to you – it’s not their issue. The hurt begins and ends with you.
That’s not to say it’s not a wonderful feeling to be on a pedestal every now and again. I remember one boyfriend in particular who looked at me in a manner that lit me up inside. I also remember the flailing feeling when I fell spectacularly, though actions that were inherent to my nature though outside of how he saw me. That delicate, precarious balance is never regained. You both move forward understanding a little more about each other, on a much more even (and realistic/sustainable) playing field.
It’s interesting to reflect on this point; I have had close friendships that have deepened beyond expectations once I was responsible for removing my imposed ‘confines’ of who they are to me and let them be themselves. All the flaws, all the crazy, all the love, all the personality. I have felt that in kind also. Not necessarily whilst on a pedestal per se, more so shaking up a person’s understanding of who I am by revealing more depth, being vulnerable and open. Sharing without fear of judgment or incrimination. It is hypocritical of me to be thankful and gracious of the open arms from my circle, yet be upset when others don’t match my pre-conceived expectations. Again, the upset belongs to me rather than them and I must still be responsible for my actions within the world.
For the record, I love fallible. It’s the learning tool that is an equaliser, humbles us, shines a light on where we can spend time and energy should we wish to. Fallible is the opportunity to appreciate perfection. We can have a perfect moment mixed in with all the chaos; if there was no flaws, how would we know what perfection looked like? Felt like? How could we experience it?
I have had an abundance of perfect moments with people who have seen my flaws and vice versa. The key, I have to remember, is to refrain from creating those perfect moments into steps to an unmaintainable loft in which to hold people. Jailed by my constraints and expectations. This has served as a timely reminder to embrace the whole, the wonderfully fallible, the perfectly imperfect. Without being taken for granted or misused, stepping forward into a new version of an old relationship – each party presented with the privilege of freedom to be who they are. That’s a pretty wonderful gift, to give yourself and others.
That’s all my thoughts for this evening.
Happy wandering
Hx