“If we sleep together, will it destroy you?”
Legit question. Probably easier to formulate a response if you cease tweaking my nipple and kissing me with that mouth of yours.
Of COURSE the answer is no. I will not be destroyed. I have lived a whole life without you and your penis (medium sized, as you have mentioned a few times. I’m sure it’s wonderful.) I really appreciate you asking me this question though, I know you care about me as a whole and complete person. As I type this, you’ve sent me a text letting me know about speed cameras in my neighbourhood as if demonstrating that my broader wellbeing is important to you.
Sigh. You’re a good dude.
You were 100% under the influence from the moment I picked you up. This had been your plan the whole time though, a blow out with good friends before starting your dream job. I was very much in a space of designated driver and in the mood to have a good time. From the outset, conversation was already geared towards how much you enjoyed me as person, spending time together and being generally playful. The night unfolded and it became clear that we were vibing, the casual purchasing of beers and food with the other in mind. Being able to be independently attached to an entwined night with no expectations or agenda.
A few weeks prior, I had floated the idea of us making out which rapidly resulted in me realising I liked you WAY too much to be casually involved. Making out old school style, on the precipice of providing myself with full permission to be self expressed in a safe and held way, I realised I didn’t want to have sex with someone I cared deeply about in a caviller and slightly tipsy manner. I reigned it all the way back in and through conversation and honesty, we were able to maintain and build on an already respectful friendship.
The beautiful thing about how this has unfolded so far is that the more I reveal myself as I am and not how I think you want me to be, we become closer. Shocking right? There are very few people I could have a conversation with about how I’m learning to tease apart emotional intimacy and desire and it be part of a normal chat.
“I just really like kissing you, you’re a good kisser”.
Thank you. I really like kissing you too. I also really, really enjoy hearing about how much you like me as a person. How awesome you think I am and that we will be friends for a long time. That being said, with your hands in my hair is the only way I’d like to make decisions moving forward. That this conversation led you to the conclusion that we shouldn’t have sex, yet, is inconsequential. So we are clear, that was never on the cards from my end in this situation. I got you home safe, we all had a good time. I was happy to sit and chat some more, your even keeled manner and general frivolity not escalated to a point that you seemed outside yourself. You looked at me, unbuckled your seat belt, lent over and kissed me. From that point on, standing in my resolve to be the person I want to be for myself in a relationship was a challenge. Having someone earnestly look at you and say “you get dibs on my free time. We just have to plan random movie dates” made me tilt into full whirl-a-girl mode.
“Just one more kiss”
That’s how we left it.
(That’s all you recall).
In the days that follow, we will regroup, find new ground, make another new pathway for this relationship to exist (or not. However it seems we’re both keen to be around each other still). I’m left to think I had a conversation with your subconscious, the unfiltered part of you who isn’t considering potential consequences of impacted freedom from a committed relationship. I will continue to remember it’s not my place to unpack your fears. My responsibility lies within myself, to stand in who am, what I want for my life, and demonstrate unconditional love as often as possible.
Happy Wandering (into the dating world and beyond)…
Hx