Everyday is a learning day. Days spent in your company feels like learning how to manage myself in an emotional manner where I can continue to be balanced. Or at least make it out of your presence to let all the crazy seep out of my pores.
Talking about freedom in life, in relationships, in the way you see the world. It leaves me at a loss for words. I feel like I’m stuck in a Jane Austin novel, responding to societal cues rather than USING MY WORDS. The words don’t come in the moment, I am paralysed by my own inability to formulate what it is I’m feeling into something comprehendible by another person. What it boils down to is that I get it – I understand. I want to be a part of it. Let me be a part of it.
Navigating my facial expressions when you tell me about your life with women you’ve loved before, recognising it all a part of who you are in the moment. It’s tough. Longing to be seen by you, to have my own feelings met in equal measure. The want to have you reach this conclusion independently of me asking it of you. Knowing that none of this is up to me. A consistent reminder that all I am responsible for is being in flow, to continue to choose things that make me happy.
There is a song that I listen to by The Lumineers that inspires me to get into a car and just drive. American style, open roads, highways, ranges, forests. Sleeping in the car, making morning coffee in a new place each day. This is what I see in my mind’s eye when you talk about freedom. No attachment to a place, with a person by your side sharing in the moments. In my mind, I want to sit you down and tell you how we can have a relationship that is free. You be responsible for your happiness, I’ll do me. We can create an inspired partnership that isn’t imposing on the other, rather striving to thrive and celebrate each other’s milestones and successes. A space for the two of us that is playful, familiar, safe and passionate. I want to inspire passion and creativity from within you. Explore emotions to a depth that is a little scary, a little uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed, and raw. I am ready.
Let’s build a tree house in a tree that insects don’t like.
Where you are at is different. You are learning to focus on self. Taking the time to declare who you want to be in the world. On aligning yourself with your goals outside of being in a relationship. Not chasing girls. Learning to be loving to yourself and who you are. Being stoked on making music you want to listen to. Being present with people and enjoying time without pressure. Processing the fear instilled in you through former relationships.
Let me be clear – your fear is your own. The pressure you feel to leave a situation and return to your girlfriend is of your own making. You can be in a relationship and be present to another person, it isn’t an “either or” circumstance. You can both be the giver and recipient of love. In balance, still putting your own needs and goals at the forefront where they belong.
I am also acutely aware that you need to figure this out for yourself. My observations and ‘lessons learnt’ from my own life won’t carry the same impact as you coming to these conclusions (if you do, perhaps yours will be different) of your own volition. Your monkey, your circus.
Your life.
My life.
Potentially never our life, and that’s okay. The timing is wrong.
Or perhaps it’s perfect for it to be just as it is.
For now, it’s stubborn love.
Happy Wandering
Hx